Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Was it dead, or was it Memory?

One day, I had a seizure.  Not being epileptic at all, saying it was a surreal experience is a bit of understatement. 

I'd gone to my general practitioner's office for an appointment, one I'd been to many times and always felt comfortable in doing so.  Midway through signing in, I'm told my eyes rolled back and I collapsed into a pile before letting loose with a few minutes of rigid body origami that such episodes are known for.  I was allowed to go through the episode, and was transferred from that office via ambulance to the local hospital.

Now, to be certain, there has never been any epileptic history in my family, for as far back as we could go. Two 'grates' worth.  What I was going through was myoclonic, not epileptic.  Drug allergy or sever side effect, either way, I should never have been taking it to begin with.  Nobody's fault but my own that I was.

Now, seizures of this sort tend to play hell with your memory.  Some things stick like glue, far too many others seem never to have happened (from your relative point of view, even well afterwards) during that day, or the entire week.  In my case, I don't remember that entire week.  Poof, like it never happened.  That said, there are only two things that did register in my long term memory for that week.  I remember standing in the GPs office just before the attack...and a section of the ambulance ride to the hospital.

Now, here's where it gets weird.  I remember hearing my boyfriend in the front with the driver talking about me and getting a little feedback on what to expect generally.  He's involved like that.  Then I open my eyes, and to my left my attention is grabbed by motion, it being the EMT working on me.  She tells me I'm fine and asks if I understand her.  I nod slightly, and I remember feeling like my eyes were bugging, that whole "what the hell am I doing here, where am I going, why can't I remember getting into this truck, what the fuck is happening" schtick.  She goes on to explain what's happened, I'm assuming, because my expression reads exactly that.  Then I had the sense someone was sitting at my left, so I turned my head and my father was sitting there.  He didn't say anything, just sitting there calmly, a the eye of the mental chaos I felt going on around and through me.  I couldn't talk, couldn't even think in words at that moment, though I understood everything said to me.  I'm a writer, so that's anathema to me.  I'm trying to ask him what's wrong, but it's like my speech center hadn't booted up yet or completely.

There's a problem with the story at this point, though.   

This all happened in 2010.  My father died in Oct. 2003.

It never struck me as odd that he was there.  He looked as real and solid as everything around me, (including the EMT there next to me) did and the world for me was as clear and crisp as ever.  Didn't have his Stetson on, was dressed in his jeans shirt and blue jeans that he wore for work so often over the years.  Same tan riding heel boots, everything.  I remember turning my head back to the EMT with me, as she was still talking and I didn't register what she'd been saying because all my attention was focused on my father for that 15 seconds or so..and that's the end of my memory.

I've confirmed the above with my BF and others.  Aside from a 70-something year old mustached man sitting in the back of the ambulance.  I remember what my bf said to the EMT up front, what the one said to me before seeing my father...all of it.

So what the hell was he?

I've never seen a ghost.  Never seen paranormal phenomena that I couldn't explain some other rational and verifiable way.  Not that I'm opposed or disbelieving of it, to be sure.  Just that I've never had any experience that I'm aware of.  Even in places where people swear up and down that it's going on just before I enter a house/room/property and after I leave the same.  Now these claims are from rational, evidence minded people.  So I don't take them lightly.  Some are from sources I've known so long and well that they're simply above reproach, in my consideration.  But never with me there.  I"ve been told I'm a "null" or that I exert the ephemeral "observer influence" upon such happenings.  I've no idea.  Don't know that much about either.

But...I know for a fact that I looked directly into the eyes of my father on that day, in that ambulance.  I know it as well and substantially as I know I'm writing this now.  But what was it?

I've been told that, because of the seizure, my mind basically just had gone through a hard crash and was rebooting like a computer after you just shut the power off without letting it prepare itself.  That entire centers of my brain were recovering from a hard reboot (hence why I couldn't really move or speak or think in words, etc)  But is what I saw, as real as I experienced it, 

Now, I didn't have the best or strongest relationship with my father.  That said, it's understandable given his past and what I was dealing with internally and how that spilled over onto everyone around me.  He loved me.  I knew that.   He hated seeing me suffer anything.  The day he broke down because he knew he was dying and felt like he was abandoning us to deal with everything he saw as something he was responsible for
would have clinched it if nothing else.  But I was always closer, emotionally, to my mother. We did more together, talked more.  She was my best friend.  Then again, my dad was a corpsman early in his life.  He therefore was the initial go-to guy with injuries, boo-boos and all manner of health related stuff. 

So, if it was my brain playing a prank on me after having flipped a breaker for what ever reason, why my father?  If it was something supernatural, why Dad?  Not that I'm, at all, saying I'd have preferred it be someone else, but out of EVERYONE I've known that has passed, he wouldn't be the first on the list of people I'd expect.

Just a bit of curiosity to me.  Please feel free to talk amongst yourselves, share and like, please!  More later on, same Trans-time....same Trans-chan-|| ...okay I know, that was weak.  I'll step it up, swearsies.

Share and like, share and like...one of us.....one of us!   @.@

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